So, again, two Fridays ago, our little group, along with a bunch of colleagues, took a trip down to the paradise known as Newark in order to partake in a rodizio a.k.a. Brazilian BBQ a.k.a. UNLIMITED MEAT!!! The place was known as Fernandes Steakhouse, a kinda fancy place a few minutes from Newark Penn. So, disclaimer: this is not a review of the restaurant! I am sure the dishes are probably delicious and worth getting, but the rodizio itself is its own entity! As soon as we all sat down and announced rodizio at the top of our lungs, it was on. First, before anything, you must be very careful, as two traps open up immediately. A salad bar is opened up to all those involved as soon as you start. As good as that sounds (*cough*), it will only take up space that should be reserved for protein. Also, plates of fries, rice, and fried plantains (OMG!!!) are placed all over the table. Again, do not fall for the trap. Yes, this food as good, and you should definitely eventually eat it, but wait till the end. You want to use these as filler when you are done with the meat, as they take up more space than you would expect.
Now, let's explain the process of the rodizio. It's a few steps up from a buffet. You pay for all you can eat ("all you care to eat" for those of you who care), yes, but, they serve you. Fatties rejoice!! One by one, waiters come with huge slabs of meat on a stick, which is what meat should always be on, and you can choose the number of slices/pieces you want from each skewer. This keeps repeating, continuously, until you nod off into the eventual coma. As you can tell, this is a prime place for a food-eating contest. There are all sorts of meat cuts, from simple chicken and turkey, to juicy rib-eyes and filet mignon wrapped in bacon. Some of my personal favorites were the flank steak, the rib-eye, and the roast beef. The most unique thing you could get, assuming you're not asian, are chicken hearts, which are just nice little snacks that you should at least try three of. After the meat, a very delicious treat is then brought out: fried pineapples! Since all the meat is done, it is okay to start eating protein-less food. Alright, so, since I have been slacking off, I'm gonna provide you all an awesome surprise: a recap of the contest!! I shall give you all some time to go the bathroom after pissing yourselves......................alright then, here we go.
So, the contest was between four of us: JT, Kung Pao, the Big O, and the Raffinator. Sadly, S&M did not take part, for unexplained reasons. This contest was as official as can be, with a Weight Watcher's scale being passed around and the weights of the meat recorded to two significant figures. Right at the start, we all went at it, at our own pace. Whereas the other three ravaged their meat like barbarians, yours truly took his time, enjoying his meal and playing the endurance game. Slabs of meat kept coming and the scale was crying in pain as plate after plate was being slammed upon it. Maybe 30 minutes in, after very type of meat has been taken out and passed around, the first drop out occurred, as the Big O went too fast and overworked the stomach. The count at that time: the Big O: ~1.2 kgs, Raffinator: ~1.0 kg, Kung Pao: ~500 g, JT:~200 g. Yes, it was pretty sad for me, but knowing that all of you had my back (actually, only one of you four...but whatever), I kept on. So, the next 10-20 minutes kept going the same way, eating, weighing, repeat. However, one huge event did happen that changed the whole game: Kung Pao ate rice. Sounds like nothing, but you will soon learn the danger of such a maneuver. At the second checkpoint, the Raffinator checked out at ~1.3 kg, which is very impressive. At this point, Kung Pao had ~1 kg and me, just a measly 500 or so grams. However, the last 20 minutes were epic. As we got closer to the hour mark, thing were starting to get desperate. I was slowing down, it was getting painful to swallow, and the worst possible thing was happening: I wasn't enjoying the meat...My whole life was disappearing right before my eyes. Then, Kung Pao stopped. I knew that he had eaten two times as much as me at the last checkpoint, but I had no idea where he was at. I was guessing 1.5 kg, and had to think of a final blitzkrieg. This was when I espied the plate of rice and remembered that I was asian. Even more important though, were the plantains. Though yes, I am asian, I hate white rice. It tastes boring, and just makes me lost my appetite. The fried plantains though, not only were the good, they created a nice, smooth layer in the throat that allowed the rice to slide down like an avalanche. I quickly grabbed the plate, took out them plantains, and started sucking in that rice like Kirby. Weighing the empty plate told me that that plate of rice was 0.5 kg, and it was the easiest thing to eat as I am genetically programmed to be able to devour rice like water. I ordered another plate of rice and plantains, another 0.5 kg, and again, ate it all within half a minute. Weigh-in shows another 0.6 kg gone. Within 5 minutes, going asian netted me 1.1 kg! Finally, I requested a trade for our current totals. Kung Pao had sat out at under 1.5 kg!!! I was up by a little over 100 grams and the game was over. Of course, since I'm a little asshole, I decided to eat another 0.3 kg, putting my final number at 1.936 kg/4.26 lbs. I won pride and beer for my blogmates for all my efforts, which is worth it, as beer is always needed when S&M are involved. Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed the little story. I know it's not about the dishes, but every blog needs a change-up now and again. The rodizio was delicious though; it would be impossible for such an event to have taken place for so long if it wasn't super juicy meat slices. I highly recommend this place and just, by the way, I await any challengers craving to take my title from me. So peace out all, and visit often, as more posts will definitely be put up soon. Cross my heart and hope to die xoxoxoxo.
P.S. Though I am the photographer, there are sadly no food pictures for this post as I was slightly distracted. However, I have provided one picture, the most important one of all. Figure it out ;).
did u vomit afterwards? i know i would...JL
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